Today I look back and realized it’s been a year since I came out. This last year has been quite intense and at the same time liberating. When you spend so much time conforming to societal conditioning and running on the hamster wheel and you can see it now for what it really is so clearly it makes you wonder what the hell was going on. I had a recent conversation with a friend about becoming a student of yourself. Getting understanding on what ignites your soul and truly learning to just be with yourself. I truly had no idea how to do that! When you have been taught your entire life to “just do” and not “just be” its a daily internal struggle to become a student of yourself. Having this constant narrative in your brain that you’re not enough, you can’t do anything right, you’re a bad person, you can’t seem to get your shit together. I realized this year that narrative came from my upbringing and societal conditioning and even from previous circles I ran into prior to my coming out.
All the hustle and bustle that we’ve been conditioned to follow has become so exhausting. I am by no means saying to not work or do anything but I am saying what about resting? We strive and force things so much that I think we get easily exhausted and don’t realize it. Even going beyond the realm of self care. Really sitting down in the silence and allowing the real you to come to the surface. Being alone in the room but it still being loud. Do we really know how to sit with ourselves in that space. For me I would easily run and find something to do to silence the chatter. The idea of being alone in the room left to my thoughts was super scary for me. But I knew I needed to have this experience in order to learn about myself.
We’ve all heard the expression that the things that scare us the most are the most worthwhile. Transformation is not a once and done thing just like healing. We don’t open the door and shut it and then its all over. It’s continual and every door opens to a new discovery that takes time and patience and grace with self. This is another area of growth and renewal. But how do we embrace the uncomfortable part of sitting in silence and entertaining the loud chatter in our brains? Coming to a place of truly learning yourself and allowing the painful parts of that journey to surface and embrace the emotions that come with it. It’s a process, and take time but everyone on this planet will at one time or another have to visit this space.